RANDOM BLABBERING (vol. 1)

Nothing beats the feeling of having the right people around you. I can definitely say that I’m contented with whoever’s in my life right now. My smaller circle gives me warmth, I feel like I’m in the middle of them all and everybody got closer.

I feel like I’ve become less scared in showing affection to those who I care for besides my son. It took a long time for me to be this open again without the fear of being judged. I owe it to people who aren’t afraid to show their love for me without assuming anything or being demanding. I’ve never been happier about my choices on who deserve my affection, attention, friendship, love and loyalty.

I’m currently more excited about life, career and my future (as well as my son’s). I know that there were times when I’ve become doubtful and impatient (and I still kind of feel bad for being whiny three days before the “good news” came — I’ll tell you about it next time) but it’s true when they say that it’ll happen in life’s perfect timing — HIS perfect timing. I wouldn’t have been ready for it if it happened a few months ago and there would have been things and people (that I consider very special) that I would have missed if what I was praying for happened last year. I was even ready to move to QC with my son and about to enroll him in a new school moments before I received the good news that I’ve been waiting for for a looong time!

Let me share to you some excerpts from Steve Furtick’s preaching entitled the Danger of A Dream that slapped the hell out of me when I was feeling down, ignored and undeserving of good things just because I cannot wait for His perfect timing:

“If you look behind your life you will see very clearly that some of the things God did for you, some of the doors He opened for you, some of the ways He made for you and some of the opportunities that He granted for you were accidental from your perspective. God’s dream for you is bigger than your dream for you. Just because it doesn’t look shiny when you see it, it doesn’t mean it isn’t real. God said ‘You’ve got the right dream, you just need to see it differently.’ The fact of the matter is some of us are standing in the middle of our dream, but we can’t see it because it feels different than we thought it would when we first saw it.”

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NOSTALGIA

I didn’t know places you’ve never been to can make you remember (and feel) emotions that are too familiar

first kiss,
hugs,
laughter,
fights,
disappointments,
betrayals,
break-ups,
& unrequited love.

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South Korea, October 15 to 19, 2018.

Emotions activated by memories in an unfamiliar place could be torturing but addicting at the same time. The masochist in me will definitely be back soon.

WHAT HAPPENED, FEB?

Guess it’s true when they say that the things that you’ve been wishing for usually happen when you stop thinking about it (or when you least expect it).

I’ve been too unforgiving, not to others but to myself, for the past few years. I always had this thinking that I don’t deserve bigger things in life like others do. I thought that’s the best way to save myself from disappointments. You can dig through my twitter account and find posts about me going with the flow when it comes to life and my career. But in the last few months of 2017, I began thinking how much of a sissy I am for being scared of growth. I’ve decided to leave my comfort zone at work to take on another path which I’ve been told would not be easy.

Fast forward to 2018, my responsibilities became quite overwhelming. Yes, there are times when it gets frustrating and stressful but there’s this higher sense of fulfillment that I’ve been feeling. With growth came wisdom and the desire to do and be more. Things that were only dreams years ago became plans, and those plans are now slowly being carried out.

I’ve been praying for years — but with every prayer, thoughts like “I don’t really think I deserve this”, “Maybe this is too big for me” or “Can somebody really hear me?” come to mind. I’ve been putting limits not only to what prayers can do but as well as to who can hear me. But this year, I tried praying and letting go at the same time. It’s like saying something and just leaving it at that, without expecting for an answer because you trust Him and His judgement enough. I mean I’d still work hard to do my part, but let things, which I have no control of, be.

This week has been one of my happiest (this year) — I got one answered prayer which I expected the least (but I wanted & prayed for the most since May last year), plus another reason which I cannot disclose just yet (or maybe ever?). Hahaha! *Arte*

Anyways, I’d like to share some photos that I took while walking around Singapore during my first (and hopefully not the last) solo trip two years ago. I’ve got a strong feeling that I’ll be back there soon.

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P.S. – The title has nothing to do with this post. Just thought I’ll be able to update this blog at least once a month but February went fast! (and I don’t think it has anything to do with Feb only having 28 days). I kind of lost my sense of time, and before I knew it it’s the 1st day of March already.

10 YEAR CHALLENGE

NOPE, I’m not gonna post photos of myself from 2009 and compare it with my most recent one — not here to judge those who’s already done it either, I just wanna write what I believe were the most significant changes and stages my life has gone through from 10 years ago til today.

I was 22 and almost 40 weeks pregnant in 2009. The fear of being judged has brought me to decisions that my present self disapproves of. What I thought would make me happy and complete back then is the complete opposite of what makes me happy today. The thought of not having a partner, no matter how miserable and sad the relationship was, is something I couldn’t take. You know that line from Joe’s Another Used to Be song “I used to think the pain was a part of happiness”? — that’s what I thought too. But that started to (not completely) change last July 2013. What I’ve learned is that it doesn’t really end by just despising toxic and controlling relationships because you have to get rid of the desire of being wanted and needed too. I stopped seeking for validation from other people by the end of 2016. The constant prodding to wonder about what others think of me — if I’m accepted not only by the people around me but as well as the society because of my past has been gone ever since.

I find myself cringing more than laughing at the memory of me who thinks its cool to drink more than I could handle — craving for alcohol almost every week (sometimes it’s more than once a week actually). I smoke a minimum of 3 sticks a day as well from 2013 – 2015. Haha! How times have changed… Don’t get me wrong, ’cause I still drink occasionally, but it’s not to get wasted Hangover (the movie) style. I drink just enough to enjoy conversation with people who I’m comfortable with.

There have been changes at work too! I stopped being uncaring and anti social — wanting to stick with first impressions. I guess having given the responsibility of handling more than 10 people without any preparation has opened a whole new version of myself – a version of me who cares about how people at work feel and what can make them do better. I can create a 5-year project plan now too (even if I can’t with life — ha!).

But I think the most important change or realization of all is that I stopped believing that whoever gives and loves more is on the losing end. I’ve learned that having the desire to give without the desire of taking back is one of the most fulfilling things in life.

I know that I’m still a work in progress. Still got unresolved self-issues that often result to anxiety (and sometimes depression). The hard headed version of myself still shows up once in a while. I still have attitude and bad habits that I wish I could get rid of, but I know that as I grow older (and should I say wiser?) everything would get better if I believe that it will. Life will never be perfect and it will always seem unfair, but I can always create my own little world of calm and happiness with people who matter.

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Garden of the Morning Calm, Gyeonggi-do, South Korea – October 16, 2018

“It took a long long road to get here
It took a brave, brave girl to try
It took one too many excuses, one too many lies
Don’t be surprised..

…I’ll never be perfect, but at least now I’m brave
Now, my heart is open
And I can finally breathe
Don’t be mad, it’s just the brand new kind of free
That ain’t bad, I found a brand new kind of me
Don’t be mad, it’s just a brand new time for me”

– Brand New Me by Alicia Keys

MENTAL ASSENT VS FAITH & BELIEF

I’m one of those people who post bible and inspirational quotes on social media whenever I find one that best suits me and my current situation. I don’t know if it’s just me, but I feel like it has more impact when I post it than just read it – like it gives my always anxious self more assurance that what it says is true.

Do I believe in God and His existence? – Of course, I do.

Do I believe in people’s testimonies, stories on how God has done something great and miraculous in their lives? – All the time.

Do I believe that I’ll be able to experience the same miracle, myself? – This, I found out a week ago, is a question that’s just easy to answer “YES” to especially when things seem to be okay in someone’s life. But once difficult situation calls, it becomes harder to even think about the possibility of experiencing miracles yourself. It’s one thing to want, wish or pray for it, believing that it’s really gonna happen is another.

As I was reading Everynation’s 2019 Prayer & Fasting booklet last Wednesday, I came across a story about Charles Blondin – one of the greatest circus acrobats of all time. In his prime, he crossed a 1,100-foot-long tightrope stretched 160 feet above Niagra Falls several times with different theatrical variations: blindfolded, on stilts, while pushing a wheelbarrow — well, I’m sure you get the idea.

After his first successful attempt in crossing Niagra, Blondin asked the crowd, “Who believes I can cross back over the Falls?” Everyone in the crowd shouted, “We believe!” Then Blondin asked “Who is willing to get on my back while I cross?”. The crowd, as expected, fell silent. Surprisingly, a man stepped out of the crowd and bravely said that he’s willing to do it. He climbed on to Blondin’s shoulders and they both successfully crossed Niagra.

Blondin’s story made me realize that no matter how many times I post about faith or belief on social media, if my mind is too hesitant to believe that something as great and miraculous can actually happen to me, then it’s all mental assent.

I’m not actually an expert in the faith department (not even trying to preach here), the reason why I wanted to write this down is for me to be able to take note of my realization that wanting something badly is different from believing that you can actually have it. Guess believing adds more power and attraction to it because of the fact that you’re brave enough to claim it.

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It’s been seven days and I’ve been trying to dare myself to believe more than to just want something… Boooooy, it’s a lot harder than I thought.

FINE ANNI

Some Intro:

I’ve been planning on creating a blog for the past three years. That plan didn’t fall through though, thanks to me who developed a habit of criticizing my own writing. Trust me, I’ve made a lot of intros already but none of it seemed blog-worthy to me. Then, a few days ago, when I had a spare time at work (which is extremely rare), I found myself blog hopping. Reading one blog after another made me realize that most of these bloggers didn’t start writing with the intention of getting followers — they simply write to express and not to impress. So in the hopes of silencing my annoying, grammar-and-content-conscious self, I’ve decided to start focusing more on spilling whatever’s in mind and finally start blogging.

Goodbye 2018:

2018’s almost over, and some people (including my son) have been asking me about my new year’s resolution — I DON’T HAVE ONE. Aaand I stopped feeling sorry for myself four Decembers ago for not being able to come up with something whenever I’m asked. It’s not like I’m not wishing for things to happen, or things to change — I DO, it’s just that I don’t want to put a timeline to it. Besides, a new year’s resolution is a promise, which for me isn’t supposed to be taken lightly. Soooo, instead of trying to make false promises, I’d rather enumerate some of the things I’m thankful for in 2018 (in no particular order):

1. South Korea Trip – Flew to Seoul last October with my son and my parents for a short vacation. It was definitely the highlight of my year!!! I got really paranoid while waiting for our VISA application results, so imagine how thrilled I was upon receiving the news that we got approved. *Yay!* Anyways, I’ll tell you more about our trip on another post.

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2. Work Babies – This year, I was given an opportunity to manage two projects at the same time. It may not be a walk in the park, but my team members a.k.a. my work babies make everything bearable. I am blessed to have the chance to work with amazing people. I couldn’t ask for more.

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3. First Babies – They’ve touched my heart in ways that I have never imagined, and in ways that I don’t even know if they’re aware of. They’ll always have a special place in my heart.

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4. Victory Group – Last year, I’ve gained a family in church through my victory group. I’m grateful to still have them til today. They’ve become a strong support system for me whenever anxiety attacks, willing to pray for and with me, offering guidance in good times and the bad.

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5. Friends – These pictures with my (different groups) of friends were all taken this year.  Some of them I’ve known since 1994, the latest I’ve met in 2013. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to connect with my highschool barkada this year, but all the same, I’m sure it’s going to be as crazy as the last time when we get to see each other again — same with my friends who are currently thousands of miles away from me and those that I didn’t get to have pictures with. I don’t really feel the need to elaborate on why I’m thankful to have all of them, I just am.

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6. Family & Relatives – No words are enough to describe how blessed I am to have them. There may be times that I think otherwise, but just like what Percy Jackson said in the Sea of Monsters, “You can’t give up on family, no matter how tempting they make it.”

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7. Furry Love – I’m just thankful to have this little stress ball who loves me unconditionally. Nothing more, nothing less.

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8. Achilles – I’ve been always vocal on how I feel about this little man in social media. As cliche as it may sound but he’s the reason I want to do better. I’ll just leave it at that.

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CHEERS to a happy new year, everyone!